Tag Archives: humor

I paid good money to have my therapist say

  

I told my sister I paid $36 to have my therapist tell me, “It seems like you’re
having a hard time letting go.”

Her comment: “Welcome to the f*** table!”

Love her!

#losingmymind, #lostmyheart, #missingcraig, 

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Which Three Words Best Describe the Applicant?

Inquisitive
Reliable
and
Capital One Statement Reminder-like

10 Facts Elvis Should Know About the Internet

Elvis,

1. You have 12 million likes on your Facebook. That’s pretty phenomenal.

2. Your 6,450 tweets are kind of a lot. (Sorry, I stopped following you after your 37th anniversary this summer).

3. Elvis-is-alive.com site is getting pretty close to disclosing your whereabouts. You might have to relocate soon.

4. The song “Elvis is Dead” by the rock band Living Color wasn’t all that popular. They disbanded, got back, and what not. But that’s beside the point.

5. Good Reads, a book review site, includes 36 quotes by you. (Except “When things go wrong, don’t go with them” is repeated six times.) You should have them fix that.

6. There’s a boulevard named after you and and a rap song (rhythmic and rhyming speech that’s chanted to music) named after your boulevard.

7. Your Elvis Lives Tour sold out again in Iceland, Dublin, and Newcastle this year.

8. Your YouTube channel (a video-sharing website) has over 35k subscribers.

9. YouTube contains twice as many “Elvis is Alive” vids (videos) than “Elvis is Dead.”

10. Elvis, it’s the Internet. Don’t believe everything you read.

Poets–Gotta’ Love ’em

Bio#1
She lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts with her husband, the poet.

Bio #2
He lives in Brooklyn with his wife, the poet.

Writer Can’t Read Her Own Notes

“Nothing says xxxxxxx like a chocolate boob.”

Did I write celibate or celebrate?

 

Image

Assignment: More Advice for the Student Writers

In preparation for my third residency, we were assigned with a welcoming task/event/gesture for the incoming MFA-ers.

1. Quote of advice: “I enjoy posting feedback because that was important to me when I started–before I knew faces, and families, and quirky quirks. We cared. We heard you. We encouraged and laughed. After we met, we laughed deeper and true.”

2. A visual piece: my abstract of a journey and family/ familiarity/inclusion. Toes reveal a lot about a person–where they’ve been or where they’re going, personal priorities, definitely personality, and definitely a heightened perspective of one’s future writing goals. (I am the fourth generation to inherit a hooked left ring toe…is there a ring toe? You know, like if someone were to get it totally wrong and place an engagement ring on your toe, yeah, it’d be that one.) I think my point was toes:  journey, starts with the first step, individually not much, but together you could evoke a deep humpphh from Michael Ballent when you landed the perfect kickball in his stomach during the second grade.IMG_0512

 

 

Why I Don’t Enter Contests

It’s karma, you know.
The reason behind me not winning anything–ever.
Unless you count the red chicken suit
from the office’s secret santa.

It’s the syllogism behind every speeding ticket,
a shattered champagne flute,
and why Micah Ballent broke my heart
in the second grade.

Because I’m short tempered with incompetent waiters
who serve hair in my parmigiana
or salesclerks who can’t accept emailed coupons
that’s not printed on a tree.
Because I refuse to let merging cars merge in front me.
Because I don’t like cats or babies
or men in Star Trek uniforms.
I detest letters with upside-down stamps
or Mother’s Day flowers
and partners who snore with sleep apnea
(which makes me afraid of waking up
next to a dead body).

I should go to church, maybe take pilates, or self-medicate with an acai bowl, in order to be a better person.

I am karma-tically predisposed never to win the lottery.